Counselling Page of 'Oriya Nari'

(The text of the problems posted to us are edited before being published here, for the sake of presentability.)

Shimonti(38 yrs): I am approaching the 40s. My energy levels seem to have gone down and some pains in back/ neck have started. I have done a thorough health check-up and nothing significant has come up. I think my body is slowing down as I approach the 40s. Can you give some advice on how to prepare for the 40s? What type of changes occur in the body at this stage and what can be done to still continue having high energy? What did women in the olden days do? Of course they had much more time to take care of themselves which we working women don’t have. But what changes in food/ lifestyle should be done as one approaches the 40s?

Oriya Nari: It is necessary to get rid of a few myths that affect our confidence-level in facing the physical as well as psychological challenges in life after 40. A common belief associated with menopause is that hot flashes, memory loss and depression become an evitable part of life at this stage. Such problems are mostly temporary in nature and more often than not these can be managed without medical intervention. You should go for a bone density check to rule out hip fractures that are widely reported among women in this age-bracket. In order to reduce such a risk you should increase the intakes of calcium and vitamin-D. We normally take for granted that weight gain and loss of strength is a normal phenomenon which cannot be avoided at this age. But it should be understood that this occurs mainly due to decreased physical activity and poor eating habits. Another thing to be careful about is that if a doctor recommends hysterectomy, one should go for it only if it is felt absolutely necessary keeping in mind that it also carries certain indirect risks. In order to maintain proper energy-level regular physical exercises (‘yogasana’s are more appropriate) and a balanced food habit is quite essential. A physician should be consulted for medical advice regarding all these aspects. Yes, in the old days women had enough time at their disposal to take care of themselves. But in addition to the shortage of time the more acute problem for working women these days comes from the levels of stress that they have to undergo in both - the professional and domestic fronts.

Sampurnaa (25 yrs): Due to certain financial problems I was not able to complete my degree. But I am married now. I was even doing a job at a call centre. I am feeling guilty within myself for that. Can you please suggest a course of study? I am no more interested in 3-year degree courses. I am looking for something which will help me in gaining knowledge and improving my day-to-day life. I am interested in professional courses.

Oriya Nari: We can’t get your point when you say that you feel guilty for doing a job at a call centre. Why should you feel so? Defies logic. Call Centres provide decent pay packages and challenging work environment for the kind of job-seekers who have a flair for it. However the fact remains that irrespective of the pay package all call centre professionals don’t derive equal satisfaction out of their job. But there's nothing for you to feel guilty about. If we can guess correctly, you perhaps feel guilty for having hidden from them the fact of your having not completed the degree. Now coming to the choice of the right degree course, a course for “gaining knowledge” and a “professional” course are two different things. You have to choose either of the two. We suggest that you should go for the distance education mode. Institutions like IGNOU, Madurai Kamraj University and Annamalai University have a long list of course on offer. You may visit their websites for a detailed information. But before joining a course please ensure that it’s recognized by the Distance Education Council of the Govt. of India. Secondly take care to choose a course that matches your temperament and interest rather than going for a course that’s popular among others or just because it has good placement record.

Priti (30 yrs): I am a married software engineer working in Mumbai for the last four years. Eight months back I was transferred to another office of the same company. Now my problem is that, here I am not able to successfuly carry out any task given to me. To me every task appears to be difficult. My productivity has become so low that my management has begun to question the usefulness of my appointment here. My self-confidence has touched the lowest. I have no friends in office. I cannot share my problem with any one, not even my husband as he gets angry very easily and each time I try to share some of my depression it ends in a fight. I am very disturbed. Of late I have become introvert and don’t even talk to anyone in my office. Before joining this organization I worked in two companies and I also was faculty member in an educational institution in Bangalore. Those days I had a lot of friends. My students were eager to talk with me even about their personal matters. Now I have become physically unwell also and my family doctor has advised me not to take any further mental tension. So I am thinking of leaving this job. But I am very confused in this respect. I have attended two interviews without any success. If there is a problem and I do not get a job for, say, six months then there would be a career gap and I am afraid I will not get any interview calls after that. I want to be financially independent and want to do job. Please advise me what I should do.

Oriya Nari: The immediate task before you is to find someone to whom you can speak out all your woes to your heart’s content. We say 'immediate', because the level of your stress and sense of turmoil appear to have reached the point of explosion and unless you find an outlet to lighten your load you may suffer psychosomatic symptoms to a point of no return. So find a friend who would selflessly devote enough time to listen to you. (You might try reviving lines of communication with one of the closest friends in your previous company where you had ‘a lot of friends’ or even a student of those days). But remember it’s only a measure of first aid and not a solution in itself. We wonder why your husband can’t serve as your best friend in this regard. Find out the reason why he gets angry when you mention your problems to him. Together both of you can conquer mountains of hurdles in life, and divided even the smallest of breeze could dislodge you. Both of you should serve as a source of strength to each other. Find out the reason why it can’t happen. May be, he is also having certain problems in office and he needs to be heard. May be, he needs a little more love and attention. It could be anything. Identify it; and sort it out. You will find that half of your problems are solved. Now about the other half, remain focused on your present rather than being preoccupied with worries over the future. Because excessive worry may diminish your ability and resilience to tackle the crises that you face at the present moment. It is of course desirable that you perform well in interviews also and get selected for a new job. But until that happens you have to remain stuck with your present position. While you remain continuing even there is a possibility that your performance and the impression you carry with your present employers might unexpectedly register a change in the positive direction. To you it might appear unlikely; but it isn’t impossible. While performing tasks in your present company just forget that you are about to leave it very soon. Feel, although artificially, that you are here to stay and rededicate yourself wholeheartedly. It would enhance the quantity and quality of your output which could bring you a sense of confidence. But at the same time don’t give up appearing in interviews for new job avenues, of course without attachment or worries. Because whether you succeed or not, you would remain a winner either way.

Ankita (31 yrs): I am a working person and belong to a North Indian family. My husband comes from the southern part of Orissa and although they speak Oriya at home the food habits are of Telugu style. My MIL expects me to cook as per her style and keeps on telling “once a girl is married she must follow her in-laws’ culture”. She doesn’t understand small etiquettes like carrying her comb and towel while visiting our place. Every now and then she enters our bedroom. She even uses our bed in our absence in spite of us giving her and FIL a room. I feel so irritated by her behavior but can’t say anything. How should I handle such situation?

Oriya Nari: The dictum: “Once a girl is married she must follow her in-laws’ culture” is ingrained in the social ethos of traditional Orissa for generations together. It’s not going to vanish easily and so soon. You may however afford to live with the problem ignoring it as an unavoidable predicament, better tolerated without getting provoked. However it doesn’t mean that you should not try to adopt one or two segment of their cultural way of life, to the extent possible (Learn a few Telugu-cum-Oriya recipes, for example). As regards your MIL using your bed and not carrying her own comb and towel while visiting your place, you should understand that your MIL belongs to a far away generation in terms of time and milieu. In her days of DIL-ship such mannerism didn’t cause eye-brows to be raised. So, may be, she now finds nothing unusual in her own behavior in his regard. If however you effectively communicate to her that in the homes in your neighborhood and in your friends’ circle no other MIL uses the DIL’s bed she may get a cue. And lastly why don’t you always keep a set of comb and towels ready separately for her use whenever she visits your home, instead of worrying about why she doesn’t carry these herself?

Sonali (30 yrs): I am married into an Odia family but am not Odia myself. My MIL and family blame me for not having accepted Odia customs, First of all it is not easy to change. Secondly they hardly stay here ( I stay outside India). So there’s very little opportunity to learn and even my husband doesn’t follow the customs himself. Thirdly my husband expects me to be a modern wife and his mom expects me to be a traditional one. It’s very hard to bridge the gap and both of them end up being dissatisfied with me. Any advice?

Oriya Nari: When there’s a contradiction between the expectations of your ‘other half’ and your MIL, then it’s always advisable to attach priority to the former. It could be for several reasons in your case: (1) Your husband’s expectations are not unreasonable. Modernity after all is not a sin (2) What your MIL desires is not unreasonable either. Tradition and customs command their own value. But tradition can’t be implanted in an alien mind by artificial means. If your MIL thinks it can be, then she is unrealistic. (3) As you say, your MIL and others in the family hardly ever stay with you, resulting in very little opportunity for you to learn their culture. If they are with you for such a brief period it should matter little to them what mode of culture you follow in life. (4) It’s natural for parents to desire that their cultural way of life be adopted by their offspring. Now if they could reconcile with the reality of their son failing to fulfil their cultural aspirations, why should their daughter-in-law not be extended the same privilege? You should take a stand keeping these aspects in view.

Somany (35 yrs): I am unmarried and financially capable, doing job in a govt office. I prefer to continue remaining unmarried in future. Some colleagues of mine suggested that in an Indian set up, marriage is compulsory for support in old age. One cannot stay alone here. But in western countries one can get best value for money and old age is not a problem. If one invests money, the infrastructure is such that a lady can stay happily there. I don’t have any plan of settling there. Please give some feedback.

Oriya Nari: You seem to confine yourself to the economic aspects alone while exploring prospects for survival in old age. If so then yes, surviving alone in India in old age is not a problem. You have ample investment opportunities here and the economy is growing stronger when compared with many of the western economies. India is likely to overcome the shadow of recession faster than most of the other countries. Hence you can bet on a relatively safe future here in terms of monetary wherewithal. As you must be aware, many of the men have managed to happily stay alone in India. In respect of financial security it doesn’t make a difference whether you are a woman or a man. But you shouldn’t ignore the fact that being a woman you also need the other kind of security – the emotional one. If not support, we need at least the company of someone else for our psychological well being. It is an important facet of life. So we would like to suggest that once the soundness of economic security is ensured, you should go for adopting a son / daughter for the sake of emotional support.

Deepa (30 yrs): I am a non-Oriya married into an Oriya family. I was brought up in an educated and peace-loving family where people do not lose their heads – we do have arguments but about issues; and we care for people and peace more than anything else. My in-laws are all very aggressive type. They can get very angry and then they can say anything to hurt the other person – be it truth / lies. It sometimes even borders on violence too (especially on the part of my husband). Somehow the blame for the cause always comes on me; they can justify whatever they did. I feel threatened sometimes and feel emotionally abused. What should I do?

Oriya Nari: The last thing first. Why do you feel threatened? It may be a fact that you are being emotionally abused. But you shouldn’t feel threatened or let down. Face it boldly; always be confident that the situation is not beyond your control and that you have the ability to face and tackle such situations. Then only would a solution come to sight. Now it is apparent that there is a discernible difference between the temperamental and cultural background of your parental family and your in-laws’. This is an inevitability which you can’t do away with at this stage. But the one thing that you should try to remove from your mind is that the attitude of the people on your in-laws’ side is not necessarily typical of Oriya community in general. It needn't be generalized. Secondly you should not expect all the people to change their rudimentary nature in the given situation; it is simply impossible. But what’s possible is that with meticulous endevour you could change the attitude of one of those persons who is most important to you – your husband. Go for it in whatever way you can. Win his heart, bring him on your side. Make him match your expectations. It may take a lot of time; but it isn’t impossible. And once it happens you can afford to ignore how everyone else treats you in the family.

Shreya (40 yrs): I feel that my husband’s family ignores me in important matters. They would talk to me only about small and insignificant things. But when it comes to important issues involving any serious decision making, they would ignore me and would rather talk only to their son / brother (that is my husband). In such situations I feel being sidelined. I feel as if I am just a decorative piece in the family and am only meant to do the household work and produce kids. All that they care about is their son / brother. It hurts me a lot. Do you have any advice?

Oriya Nari: Yours is a problem that is faced by majority of homemakers in typical Oriya homes. If you want to overcome the sense of being hurt, the only way is to see the positive side of it; because you can’t change the nature and attitude of anyone else in the family at this stage. You are further from truth when you say that you are being ignored. Had they been ignoring you would they have discussed with you what you call ‘small and insignificant matters’? May be, others in the family trust you with such issues. That you are trusted and taken into account for a certain category of matters should make you feel confident and happy. On the other hand your husband’s acumen is recognized for a different sort of matters, which incidentally are matters of greater importance also. So such a state of affairs needn’t bother you. Because the more you bother the more will be your depression. You haven’t mentioned about the attitude that your husband nurtures towards you. Presuming that both of you hold each other in high esteem and maintain a high degree of mutual trust – the question of who commands a greater importance in the family is a non-issue. Because in either way the recognition comes to the duo of you two alone.

Minal (35yrs.): Oriya women are very submissive. They are expected to touch their husband’s feet, fast for him, not to call him by name, eat only after he does, can’t go against his word and cover the head in front of others. My MIL expects such behavior from me which I find hard to do; because (1) I grew up in a very open family. (2) I suffer from acidity and hence can’t do strict fasting. (3) It's absurd to expect that I shouldn't utter the name of my husband when here in Mumbai I call even the senior people in my office by name (that's the culture in most of the offices now) and my husband is older to me by two years only. My MIL also makes an issue that I don’t wear glass-bangles, bindis, sindoor, toe-rings and other such stuff which only homemaker women can wear easily. It is impossible to convince her and she makes an issue of it. However I wear most of these when go on holiday to her home. How can one get a happy compromise in situations like this?

Oriya Nari: The traditional Oriya households are dominated by a certain degree of patriarchal attitude. But you shouldn’t generalize. Times are a changing. Gradually the traditional value system is adapting itself to the new environment, especially in the urbanized and emigrated families. However one should admit that as in case of any other ethnic value system, the Oriya customs and practice are also marked by many positive aspects. As regards your predicament, your MIL is not justified in expecting you to follow all the age-old customs in toto when she herself has compromised in the traditional norm of making the daughters-in-law remain whole-time homemakers. That you don’t hesitate to wear the traditional outfit while visiting ‘her’ home (Why should you call it ‘her’ home? Once you are married into the family it’s your home as well) during the holidays, demonstrates that you are not completely averse to her expectations. However in the interest of easing the strain, it is advisable that you should follow one or two benign elements of her requirement such as wearing bindi/ sindoor or touching the feet of your husband on special occasions like Savitri Amavasya. It would convey a message that you are willing to honour the sentiments of the elders to the extent possible, if not fully. It may cause a slow attitudinal change in your MIL and she would begin to understand your problems in a rational way.